Will I Survive?
“2022 will be the year we all be in office”, a senior said this in the meeting. I felt shivers down my spine launching me from my chair into every corner of my room. December winter did not help, the cardigan was warm enough but also felt like a cage. Of course, I was projecting.
The calculations started and google map images were floating in my head. In the greens and blues and yellow paths I imagined my space where I’m by myself in a room in another city. Although back home these questions were roaming, I should pack my stuff, what stuff do I need? Do I need this job? Do I have to move cities? All this was forming with my anxiety.
I was quick to identify the core of my jitters, a change is about to come in my life. So many variables are emerging and changing on a daily basis. Uncertainty is not an issue here. That is a constant state of being, as we never know what will happen in our future. The issue is a step further, uncertainty is so near on the timeline that it is inevitable to deal with it. Instead of pushing it further and going back to daydream heaven. Comfort zone is compromised to a point where it is of utmost importance to sit with self in solitude.
I decided to do this exact thing and at first it did not help. I was still in the meeting. As soon as meeting ended, I sat down with mom and we house-hunted on social media. Meanwhile, we discussed flights, amenities, furniture, and rest of the bidai rituals. This conversation calmed me a bit, with the drawback that mom was now spinning with tension.
It was easy to think about everything I won’t have anymore, but not right. I focused on things that I know, for sure, that are going to be there in the new city. Challenges like budget constraints, time management constraints. Keeping mind and body healthy while trying to feed on the food high on nutrition and low in happiness.
Typical adult blueprint so far. Along with that, small things that make or break the day. To name a few, new culture and language, climate, new people, places and food. Learning everything from scratch. It is going to feel like a baby with a conscience. I’ll be aware and oh, I’ll remember every moment as it will unfold. Some will be great and some will be a disappointment. Even then, most of them will be new — a series of first is coming my way. That is all I need to focus on, for now.